Just a Reminder That Cleanses Suck

On Tuesday I started a 10 Day Herbal Cleanse by a company called Advocare. A nursing friend, who is also a personal trainer and nutritionist, recommended it to me because of my body's stubborn resistance to losing any kind of weight. In a regular week I do 3 days of weights (~30min) and 4-5 days of cardio (45min walk/run combo). On the weekends when I work 2-12 hour shifts, I get up every hour and do exercises in the office. However, despite also cutting my calories I still haven't lost a single pound...and it's been 3 months. I know how calorie deficits work, and creating one most days a week still hasn't helped anything happen. Her thoughts were that I needed to cut out some entire food groups, at least for a set period of time, to see how my body responds.

So, for the past 3 days (and they have been some incredibly long, rough 3 days) I haven't consumed any sugar (other than fruit), grains (white or wheat), or dairy. In other words, I've been living on fruits, veggies, meat, and eggs. Despite the fact that I love all of those, these last few days have been an eye opener; I eat a lot of crap. I spend all day trying to figure out what I can eat because almost nothing we stock in this house falls under those categories. I also drink 80-100 ounces of water a day (my urologist would be proud) which means I spend approximately 30% of my waking time in the bathroom. Once the 10 days are over I can slowly add those categories back in, but the plan highly cautions against adding anything made with sugar or white flour.

I'm learning that I can survive without those things but it sucks. I love cheese. And bread, I can't stand black coffee. And I'm tired of peeing all of the time.

The Long Awaited Blog Post

Okay, so I admit that I've been unusually slack with the blog lately. Like, 6 months slack. But that's okay because, for now, I'm back. It could be a temporary return, but I've had this blog for 8 years so I don't foresee it ever really going away permanently. There's been a lot happening, but for whatever reason(s) I never had any desire to talk about it on here. This past year was probably the roughest in my short lifespan and as I've gotten older I've felt less inclined to complain for the world to see; I reserve that punishment for my loved ones. However, since I know some people are curious, I'll sum up the past 6 months with my beloved bullets. After this post the plan is to participate in NaBloPoMo for September in hopes of getting my groove back.

• I dropped out of grad school. At first I was pretty embarrassed about it but now it doesn't bother me at all. I wasn't meant to be a nurse practitioner and, despite doing really well in my classes, I spent a good chunk of my time crying out of sheer misery. Which leads to...
• I went through about a year of full blown anxiety and depression. We're talking therapist and shrink visits, many (MANY) psychotropic medications, and lots of $$$ (not to mention a butt load of weight gain from all of those super nifty meds). Not shockingly, once I dropped out of school, it all just stopped. Now I'm med-free and feel perfectly fine again. Damn school was my mental breakdown trigger. It just goes to show that you shouldn't force yourself to do something you hate.
• I had to make the excruciatingly tough decision to let Stetson go back in May. His mobility had gotten worse, and while he was still happy, eating, playing with toys, continent, and taking [slow] walks he had a lot of trouble getting up, would fall down sometimes, and dragged his back feet more and more. I had to carry him (at 70lbs) up and down the steps every night because they were too steep for him. His quality of life wasn't that bad, but after giving me almost fourteen years of unconditional love I felt I owed it to him to let him cross the Rainbow Bridge on a good day rather than wait until he started truly suffering. When he passed (we found a home euthanasia vet) he did so surrounded by people that loved him, in his home, with a belly full of steak and Chick-Fil-A nuggets.
• I've started working out and have stuck with it for 3 months, almost religiously. I've been doing cardio and strength training, and while my muscles are getting bigger I haven't lost a single pound. Alister likes to call me "Beast Mode" and squeeze my biceps, and whenever I complain about still being thick he says "Who cares? You can kick major ass now". I guess it's a decent trade-off.
• I'm studying for my personal trainer certification. It's a slow process but the goal is to be IN-SHAPE by the time I'm certified. Who wants a chunky PT?
• I haven't had any more issues with kidney stones, so yay for that. I'm hoping that my 1 beer and 100 ounces of water a day is preventing future ones, but those hopes aren't very high given my history with them.
• I've slowly been getting better at wake boarding, and this summer I finally started jumping the wake as opposed to just riding in the center. Because of the progression I've also had some impressive face plants. My current state of whiplash is proof.
• I'm still at the same job, ie one where I don't have to touch strangers' butts and I love it. Eventually I'll go back to bedside nursing (or find another career) but for now I'm in limbo as I wait to see if Alister gets into CRNA school or not (which would decide whether we move next summer...or not).
• I've gotten to spend some wonderful quality time with my husband, immediate family, and in-laws at the lake these past few months and it's a good reminder that I'm very blessed to have those people in my life. Especially since I'm antisocial and can't stand making other friends. And I'm too lazy to maintain the friendships I already have. I'm such an asshole.
• I'm looking forward to my sister, Sam, marrying her wonderfully awesome fiance, John on Halloween of this year. My sister is a handful (well, that's one word for it) and anyone who can love her for who she is is a winner to me.

Weight Watchers: Before

AB and I tried Weight Watchers last year when the cumulative size of our waists had become ridiculous. I recall losing a little weight, but not sticking with the program nor keeping it off (although when I re-registered I discovered that last time I had lost ~12 lbs). Since then my battle with my weight has gone on at a steady rate; I run, I quit running, I diet, I quit dieting, I give up foods, I eat all of those foods in one sitting, let's try running again, rinse and repeat. I have managed to fluctuate within a 10lb range now for several years. Until recently.

This past weekend I was feeling particularly fluffy; I had been sick for the preceding week and hadn't done a lick of exercise other than walk my dog around the neighborhood (and it's more like a slow foot-dragging while he stops and pees on everything). I had also eaten my fair share of cupcakes and been on a few too many beer flights, so I stepped on the scale.

167.

Holy shit. Before anyone thinks "167? Please, that's nothing. And you're tall. Quit being a drama queen" I must point out that I have never weighed that much in my entire life. When AB and I started dating (and I was 28 at the time) I weighed 135lbs. For those who are mathematically challenged, that's a 33lb weight gain during our relationship. I was floored. I was also frustrated, sad, disgusted with myself, and thoroughly disappointed in how far I had let myself go considering I've never had a child, haven't hit menopause, only work 3 days a week, and have a body perfectly capable of physical exertion (not to mention how shallow I am).

The next morning was my first day at work (orientation) so I was required to wear business casual. It only took a few attempts to discover that my size 12 "fat pants" didn't even fit. I had no choice but to suck it in, zip it up, and slouch my way through the day in a pathetic attempt to hide the rolls that had very obviously formed along the sides of my abdomen.

When I got home from work I immediately hopped online and re-registered for another 3 month Weight Watchers membership. I know it failed the first time because of my lack of dedication and self control, but I honestly believe the fat pants experience sealed the deal. Since Tuesday I have been trying to make my 27 points/day allowance work and it's not easy (the more weight you have to lose the more points you get; I'm considered to be close to my "healthy weight range" so I don't get a lot to work with). I've also started back running and using the elliptical, so I pray the combined exercise and low food intake will help this issue out.

My long term goal is to get down to 145lbs. I think back to the times when I weighed that amount, and it was always a healthy weight for me; I wasn't starving but I was comfortable with how I looked and able to carry myself with some pride. It's also a weight that I spent more than a few years at so I don't think it's an unrealistic goal. I'd also be happy with returning to my size 8 frame. I build muscle easily (thanks Mom!) so I could give a little on the weight if only my waistline would cooperate (and I have no desire to spend money on new clothes in bigger sizes!).

This is probably more than most people wanted to know about my body's ability to pack cellulite like a wagon on the Oregon Trail, but getting it out there has always helped my dedication and commitment to something. Wish me luck?

Goals for 2013

I don't really like making resolutions, because I always fail at them; usually within the first month. This year I'm settings goals- things that I want to achieve by the end of the year or manage to consistently do throughout the year. I figure if I put them on my blog I'm held more accountable than when I write it on a sticky note and promptly lose it.

• Do 1 random act of kindness every week for the entire year (and hopefully record it on this blog so I know I did something)
• Blog at least 4 times a week. I've had this blog for 4 years and every year I go MIA for months
• Exercise every single day for a minimum of 30 minutes regardless of the weather, if I'm working or not, or my mood. This doesn't include the 2 walks/day the dogs get. I'm not aiming for weight loss this year but I would LOVE to be more in shape- preferably a 6-pack although even a 2-pack would be fabulous
• Get back into riding horses and comfortably be jumping 2' by the end of the year (my first lesson is next week so that's a start)
• Relearn to play "Wedding Day at Trouldhagen" on the piano. It's the last piece I played when taking lessons from my Grandma; it was long and hard so if I can play it again I'm doing well
• Buy a bike and then start riding it. AB loves mountain biking; I don't think I've even sat on one for several years
• Visit somewhere tropical...b/c it's time to and my passport never gets used
• Read at least 1 book a week (and be sure to list it on here for others to try)
• Pay off the vet credit cards- while this is personal everyone on here knows my dog is being treated for cancer and most people can assume it's not cheap
• Start writing a book. As a second part to that, write several chapters before giving up and dumping it in the recycle bin. I'm thinking I should participate in NaNoWriMo 2013 in November...
• Find a job I enjoy (don't laugh, I'm sure it's possible)
• Do a better job of staying in touch with relatives. How I plan to do that TBD
• Be done with Facebook...for real this time

There are plenty of other things I need or want to do, but maybe if I aim low[er] I'll actually succeed at most of them. Any support is appreciated.

Blogger Fail

So I'm realizing that when I work 4 days in a row at the hospital, and then come home at 9pm every night only to turn around and walk the dogs and then run/ellipticate, that I don't have much time to blog during the week. I also have no time to cook or be crafty so that totally puts a damper on my blog awesomeness. This past week was rather stressful; work has me wanting to pull my hair out and that's a bad thing seeing as though my hair is too thin anyways. I managed to exercise every day except for Wednesday and doing other cardio exercises is definitely helping with my breathing issues.

This weekend AB and I are headed to the lake (huge teardrop for boating season coming to an end, especially since we won't be here next year for it!), cooking out with my parents, cleaning (boo!), and I will attempt my canvas project I found on Pinterest. Get psyched for an update.