The Long Awaited Blog Post

Okay, so I admit that I've been unusually slack with the blog lately. Like, 6 months slack. But that's okay because, for now, I'm back. It could be a temporary return, but I've had this blog for 8 years so I don't foresee it ever really going away permanently. There's been a lot happening, but for whatever reason(s) I never had any desire to talk about it on here. This past year was probably the roughest in my short lifespan and as I've gotten older I've felt less inclined to complain for the world to see; I reserve that punishment for my loved ones. However, since I know some people are curious, I'll sum up the past 6 months with my beloved bullets. After this post the plan is to participate in NaBloPoMo for September in hopes of getting my groove back.

• I dropped out of grad school. At first I was pretty embarrassed about it but now it doesn't bother me at all. I wasn't meant to be a nurse practitioner and, despite doing really well in my classes, I spent a good chunk of my time crying out of sheer misery. Which leads to...
• I went through about a year of full blown anxiety and depression. We're talking therapist and shrink visits, many (MANY) psychotropic medications, and lots of $$$ (not to mention a butt load of weight gain from all of those super nifty meds). Not shockingly, once I dropped out of school, it all just stopped. Now I'm med-free and feel perfectly fine again. Damn school was my mental breakdown trigger. It just goes to show that you shouldn't force yourself to do something you hate.
• I had to make the excruciatingly tough decision to let Stetson go back in May. His mobility had gotten worse, and while he was still happy, eating, playing with toys, continent, and taking [slow] walks he had a lot of trouble getting up, would fall down sometimes, and dragged his back feet more and more. I had to carry him (at 70lbs) up and down the steps every night because they were too steep for him. His quality of life wasn't that bad, but after giving me almost fourteen years of unconditional love I felt I owed it to him to let him cross the Rainbow Bridge on a good day rather than wait until he started truly suffering. When he passed (we found a home euthanasia vet) he did so surrounded by people that loved him, in his home, with a belly full of steak and Chick-Fil-A nuggets.
• I've started working out and have stuck with it for 3 months, almost religiously. I've been doing cardio and strength training, and while my muscles are getting bigger I haven't lost a single pound. Alister likes to call me "Beast Mode" and squeeze my biceps, and whenever I complain about still being thick he says "Who cares? You can kick major ass now". I guess it's a decent trade-off.
• I'm studying for my personal trainer certification. It's a slow process but the goal is to be IN-SHAPE by the time I'm certified. Who wants a chunky PT?
• I haven't had any more issues with kidney stones, so yay for that. I'm hoping that my 1 beer and 100 ounces of water a day is preventing future ones, but those hopes aren't very high given my history with them.
• I've slowly been getting better at wake boarding, and this summer I finally started jumping the wake as opposed to just riding in the center. Because of the progression I've also had some impressive face plants. My current state of whiplash is proof.
• I'm still at the same job, ie one where I don't have to touch strangers' butts and I love it. Eventually I'll go back to bedside nursing (or find another career) but for now I'm in limbo as I wait to see if Alister gets into CRNA school or not (which would decide whether we move next summer...or not).
• I've gotten to spend some wonderful quality time with my husband, immediate family, and in-laws at the lake these past few months and it's a good reminder that I'm very blessed to have those people in my life. Especially since I'm antisocial and can't stand making other friends. And I'm too lazy to maintain the friendships I already have. I'm such an asshole.
• I'm looking forward to my sister, Sam, marrying her wonderfully awesome fiance, John on Halloween of this year. My sister is a handful (well, that's one word for it) and anyone who can love her for who she is is a winner to me.

NaBloPoMo Prompt #1

Prompt: What do you do when you're down to bring yourself a little joy?
It actually depends on what it is bringing me down. I've discovered that I cope with different things in different ways so I have a variety of pick-me-ups I may try...

• Take a nap: Sometimes things are better when I just sleep it off!
• Read a non-school book: Not that I don't LOVE my textbooks, but doing this allows me to escape, usually into a ridiculously fantasized world that ends with me rolling my eyes and swearing not to read anything from that author again. Thank you Book Bub.
• Take a walk with the dogs: This only works when the dogs are behaving but fresh air is definitely helpful, even if it contains a little city pollution.
• Laird: I love spending time with that kid, which I guess is good since I'm his aunt and godmother. Hopefully he continues to be a joy rather than growing into a pain-in-the-ass teenager! Even when I'm down his goofy butt makes me feel better.
  
• Drink a beer or a glass of wine with or without bubble bath: Sometimes a drink and a hot bath with epsom salts is the most relaxing thing ever...or just a yummy beer or giant glass of wine. I'm not picky.
  
  
  
  
• Talk about it: My poor mom has heard more than she's ever needed to, but she's an excellent "free therapist" and she usually makes me feel better. My actual therapist is awesome too, but she costs an arm and a leg.
• Get somebody something: I always seem to find some sort of pleasure in making or buying someone something they've wanted or may enjoy; I spend way too much at Christmas because I love seeing people's reactions to gifts but giving a random one gives me pleasure.
• Cupcakes.
  
  
• Watch a Hallmark movie: They're so bad that they're good, plus they make for an excellent distraction from whatever or whomever is upsetting me. Sadly, I watch them so often that I have preferred Hallmark movie actors/actresses!
• Boating/skiing/wake boarding/tubing/snowmobiling: Among other things, these activities make me feel better...actually, they usually make me feel damn good except when I face plant!
  
  
  
  
  
• My family & pets: If you know my family, it's self-explanatory, and I mean the entire immediate and extended ones. If you know my pets, well, they can be stressful but they love me unconditionally and are always happy to see me.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
   
  
• Hug my husband (or another loved one): I've never been a big hugger, but I've been told I give good hugs and sometimes, they do make me feel better.
  
  

What do YOU do when you're feeling down to bring yourself joy???

Five Things Friday

Wow, it's Friday again already. The good thing about Fridays is that I can cheat on creative posting and do a list, so here it is:

1. First semester of grad school is down to 11 days remaining of which I have 3 finals and 1 paper due. Below is the paper research in progress:
   
2. My new Dammit doll from my mom. We have one of these at work and it's usually bashed against a desk after a ridiculous trauma call in which the communication is seriously lacking, the 20th time the phone rings in 5 minutes, a really obnoxious charge nurse, or an a-hole doctor. Now I'm excited to have my own!
   
3. My family. I got to spend some quality time with extended family yesterday, and hopefully again today and tomorrow depending on when the radiologist actually shows up to do Penny's ultrasound. That's right, she's still not eating- sad girl! I also love the silly part of my family...
   
4. I decided to take some #Selfies this week. I hate selfies as does my husband because we both find them obnoxious and self-absorbed, but sometimes I excel at being self-absorbed. One is from being dressed up for work, the other is after being awakened at 6 am this morning from extremely stinky dog farts and cats running across my stomach.
   
   
   
   
5. Jamberry nails. A friend from Duke is selling them and I'm hoping to host a party. I'm extremely untalented when it comes to painting my own nails as my mom and sister can attest to, so I'm hoping a good quality pair of nail "adhesives" will be easier for me. I placed a small order today just to give them a try so I'll let everyone know how they work out.
   

On an extra note, Thanksgiving was an enjoyable day yesterday until my dog inhaled a dirty rag/wipe that he came out of the woods with. My aunt and I tried to get it out but he sucked it down. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he will digest enough of it to pass through, but if it becomes stuck surgery will be a tough decision to make for him due to his age and everything else he's been through. Penny goes to the vet today for an ultrasound and she will not be happy about it. For such a chill and affectionate cat, she has the growling at strangers down to an art. Also, Indy threw up this morning and I'm praying it doesn't mean the steroids are failing and he has lymphoma, but at this point I have prepared myself for everything.

I hope everyone is enjoying Black Friday as I will not be participating in the madness, especially that which occurs out here where I live!

Just Some Things

As of last Thursday I am officially done with orienting 3 days/week and because of that, I was able to catch up on a lot of schoolwork between then and today. I even went ahead and wrote my article reviews and my paper that are due over the next two weeks. School is hard but I think it will be manageable. I'm also discovering that I actually enjoy pharmacology; drugs are good.

Today I headed out to my parents house for a visit. We did some yard work, ate Chinese, ran a few errands, and packaged up a box of toys to send to Laird. Even though Alex requested nothing be sent yet, I had some place mats made for Laird on Shutterfly and wanted to get those over to him before he forgets who I am. Three year olds are not known for their memories! It was also nice to spend some time with my parents. I saw them much more over the last year because of Alex and Laird being there, and sometimes I forget how nice it is to have them so nearby. I've always been close to my family and sometimes I take that for granted.

On the down side, my right flank is continuing to cause me discomfort. By discomfort I mean, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst pain I could imagine, I am living daily on a 5-6/10 level. That's not acceptable. I'm also hanging upside down multiple times a day on our inversion table, and while it may be stretching my back out nicely it doesn't seem to be moving anything stone-wise. Also, I'm tired of taking Flomax and peeing every 30 minutes when neither of those are accomplishing anything. I'm not sure what I will decide once I go back for my next follow-up, but I definitely cannot live like this indefinitely.

I'm also continuing to attempt to post a picture every day for #100HappyDays. I believe today was day 8, but for those who don't have Instagram I will try to put those pictures on here once a week also.

A Confession

So I've spent the last week going back and forth on whether to write this post or not. I feel like I try to keep my blog, when I do post, fairly positive. However, I also think about how frustrated I get when people "put up a front"; whether on their blog, email, FB, Instagram, etc and I know that things aren't actually going well for them. Society seems to look down on people who aren't happy- we're always told to "suck it up and move on", "appreciate the things you have", "find the joy in the small things", "if you don't like it, change it", "this won't last forever", and I could go on and on. People are convinced they need to put on a happy face so their friends and loved ones don't pity them or pull away. 

The reality is that everyone handles stress differently. Everyone reacts to things that the person next to them may not consider all that bad. I've been reading for my upcoming pathophysiology exam and one of the first chapters deals with stressors and how the body does or doesn't adapt to them including how much one person may differ in what they consider a stressor compared to the next. It also (being a school book) goes on to explain what happens when a person cannot cope with a stressor(s) and how the body is actually affected. 

It's also been said, depending on what you read, that psychiatric help is one of the hardest things to get and the need for psychiatrists/psychologists is at an all time high. I work at a fairly large hospital that doesn't even have a psychiatry ward; most in this area do not, and the places that do are always full and turning away people that, sometimes, really need the help. One only has to read CNN to see that this country, and this world, are full of super depressing things. If you're one of the people who finds yourself 100% happy with your life, God bless you. Feel lucky that you're in a situation like that.

Now that all of that rambling is done, I want to admit to something: I am not happy. For whatever reason, I am the person in my immediate family who cannot handle stress well. My parents have always appeared to "go with the flow", my middle sister just "doesn't give a shit", and my youngest sister handles change extremely well and makes the best of the situation. I started seeing a psychiatrist (aka shrink) and a therapist a few months ago because I was experiencing an unusual amount of anger. If you asked my husband, he'd say I was mad as hell all of the time. I couldn't seem to control it and I couldn't seem to get past it. My shrink put me on a mood stabilizer while my therapist tried to help me talk things out. After a while the mood stabilizer seemed to calm me down, but then all of the stressors that I couldn't avoid happened all at once, and I switched to depressed and crying all of the time. Both my therapist and shrink are concerned I might be bipolar, but I find it hard to believe that I'd just now be getting diagnosed when my entire life I've been moody and temperamental.

With that being said, over the past two weeks a lot has happened. As I may or may not have mentioned in my updates earlier this week, most of them were not positive in my opinion. They all affected me rather strongly and by the end of last week I had lost my car in the parking deck at work for 15 minutes on Thursday and on Friday got lost actually going to work. My therapist says she's concerned I'm headed for a breakdown if I don't give something up, but of the things stressing me out, the only EASY one is school, and I've always felt the need to finish what I started.

I would like to think that everything will be okay, but when you feel absolutely hopeless, it's hard to think that way. As of today, my right kidney still hurts. I was told it would get better each day, but aside from the immediate post-op pain, it has remained a source of intense discomfort that has required a lot of pain medication. That alone puts physical strain on my body. 

My sister, BIL, and nephew moved to Japan and while I AM happy for them, I'm also sad and jealous; sad that they're gone and my nephew is too young to really remember me by the time I do get to visit (I know I don't remember being 3 yrs old and pictures aren't the same) and jealous that they not only get to live in a gorgeous tropical place but that they are already so happy to be there. I couldn't move that far away because I tend to do better with the familiar, and I like being close to my family in general, as they're the ones that I can always count on for support. I love traveling, but moving abroad doesn't appeal to me.

My cat being diagnosed with kidney failure has also been hard. My kids are my pets, and following Stetson's second cancer diagnosis I was praying for a break. My cat, who's been with me since I was 21 and has endured a lot with me, has lost 4 lbs over the past few months. He doesn't want to eat the food I give him, is constantly begging for other food he can't have, and when he does sneak said forbidden food he throws it up. I've cleaned up more cat vomit in the past month than I care to remember. I've also come to realize that my pets in general have become a stressor. I hate admitting that, because anyone who knows me knows how much I love them, but they have. If it's not cancer, organ failure, deafness, or a skin infection, it's the constant begging for attention, the hair and drool, the litterbox always needing scooping, the hundreds of dollars I spend a month on high quality food that gets wasted because one of them just isn't in the mood to eat. I know they're "just animals" but it's hard not to feel like they just take and take and take sometimes, and it makes me feel guilty as hell for saying any of this. It would be devastating to lose any of them (which I know will be sooner rather than later) but it's not easy. No person can give you the unconditional love that pets do, but animals also aren't able to think rationally and know when to give you space.

I also started a new job when all of this was happening, and while I do like it (surprise!) I've also been having to work a lot more than originally planned due to the need to get me trained quicker. Which, of course, leads to school. I'm so far behind in school that I'm worried I might have to give up. We're already in our third week and I have yet to read a book. This past week was the first time I even had a chance to print notes for ONE class, and only because I have a test this Tuesday in it. Of course I work Mon, Wed, and Thur so I've gotten to the point where I don't even know where to START. I have a friend who's partway through my program, and she swears it's do-able, but when you're so overwhelmed it's feels impossible.

Combine all of the above things and I hope some people can understand why my husband is having a difficult time dealing with me. Alister is the opposite of me and seems to cope well with everything, with ease. He has a hard time understanding why I'm so clearly falling apart, and while he has tried to be supportive, he's also been frustrated and exhausted with my mood changes and crying. I know he knew I was a nutty bitch before we ever got married, but I also know that, only three years into the marriage, this is not what he signed up for. He's dealt with my mood swings before, but hasn't ever experienced my super lows until now. Having come from a super-supportive family, I've been having trouble coping with having a husband who is very independent and not used to having to console someone who randomly bawls on a regular basis these days. We have both had to take our marriage into serious consideration and hopefully we can figure something out, one way or another, without absolutely destroying the other one or ourselves in the process.

I know some people reading this may shake their heads and think "Really? That's all she's dealing with? She should feel lucky that she hasn't lost a loved one/been diagnosed with cancer/been paralyzed in a car wreck/etc" but as I wrote earlier, everyone deals with what they consider stress in different ways. Sometimes, that stress can be overwhelming and the person cannot cope, no matter how ridiculous their problems may seem compared to others. I honestly believe, that had those things all happened independently of each other at different times, that I would be coping much better than I am. I also do appreciate the love and support that my family and a few friends have given me and I cannot describe how much it helps to have my pets lick my tears away or stroke their soft fur.

Regardless though, things have been hard lately, and while I don't need or want anyone to feel sorry for me (or roll their eyes at me) I did want to write this post because I know that everyone, at some point in their life, will go through something that overwhelms them and seems impossible to get through, and that they aren't alone. I don't know what I'm going to do about school, but I'm going to continue going to my therapist and trying to get through things one day at a time. Also, if you're feeling down, feel free to call or email me. Sometimes wallowing in misery with someone else does make you feel less alone.

Just to add: I have started the #100HappyDays challenge as a way to try and find the positive in something at least once a day. For those of you who have Instagram, my username is aatripp.