Thursday, February 3, 2011

Dear Pets

Dear Pets:

I have spent your entire lives doing everything in my power to keep each of you healthy, safe, and happy. I have worked jobs I did not enjoy to pay for your food and medical bills. I have bought houses with yards that you don't even like so that you could choose when to go out and potty. I have lost sleep while you have spread out on my bed and snored, and I have to curl myself into the fetal position in a 2x2 corner. My couch is in shreds because you reject every scratching post that I buy you. I have grave-sized holes in my backyard because, rather than eat the bone I have worked to buy for you, you bury it...and then dig it up...and then bury it...and then dig it up. I have nearly lost fingers in the freezing cold while walking you, because cold weather doesn't appear to affect you and your 8 layers of fur. I do all of the above because I love you.

With that being said, I have a few requests of my own. Because I know you each have a simple mind, I will make the requests very simple themselves. Please stop incessantly licking your penis and/or your butt, especially in front of me. Please stop trying to give me kisses after you have licked said body part. Please finish swallowing the water before walking away from the water bowl. Please stop getting on my kitchen counter. Please stop harassing the automatic litterbox; it only needs to go off once per potty break. Please stop trying to pee on every single mailbox on the street; I'm willing to give you a few but 15 is too many...and I don't know where you get all of that urine from anyways. Please share my bed. Please use the [nice] beds I bought you. Please share the couch. Please stop trying to get on the couch when you've just been outside in the rain. Please walk to a far corner of the house when you have to fart, because your farts are toxic. Please stop begging for human food when it causes you to have constant allergies. Please stop blocking the TV when a good scene is on. Please stop trying to come in the bathroom with me when I am doing my business. Please stop eating plastic bags and trash when I'm helping you lose weight. Please stop going outside and eating grass just to come inside and puke it up on the carpet. Please stop acting as if I starve you because every single one of you is fluffy and well-fed.

Although I have all of these requests, I realize that 9/10 times you can't help it and because I love you all, I accept you as you are. I accept all of your puking, pooping, farting, TV-blocking, water-spilling, furniture-destroying, bed-hogging, and miscellaneous eccentricities; all I really ask is that you love me unconditionally in return and stop trying to lick my face with your butt breath.

Love always,

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