Friday, February 20, 2009

Vent on: Greenville, NC

I'm having a bad day (oh, for so many reasons that are unnecessary to go into on here) so I'm going to share with everyone the top things I LOVE about Greenville (dripping sarcasm). And for the record, I am dealing with it the best I can b/c I am stuck here for several years, but it doesn't mean I have to like the place!

The Trains:
Greenville was built around a train track- it runs directly through the middle of town. It wouldn't be so bad except that the train STOPS in the middle of town, in rush hour traffic, and the driver gets out of the train and walks off down the track to get a donut or something. How is that even legal? How can you BLOCK OFF multiple streets during the morning and evening commute??? I wish someone would just train-jack it and get it out of the way.

You do not go out at night even remotely alone. It used to be if you were in a group it was safer. Here they just shoot everyone in the group…so find a group that has more people that most pistols have bullets.

Food Lion:
The baggers at Food Lion. I could do a better job if I was blind, deaf, and a paraplegic. For one thing, I'd work harder. And stink a little less.

Don't go after sunset. Don't go before sunrise. Don't go anytime in between those two times. Don't go alone. You're probably better off just not going at all. It's dangerous. Note: I do go though b/c it's cheap and convenient. I have learned by going that you should always count the number of socks in a package b/c most likely some homeless person has stolen a pair or two.

95% of Greenville dines at Bojangles every single day. The line for the drive through actually wraps around the restaurant and then out into the street. I just don't think their biscuits are THAT good plus I found a hair in one of my biscuits at the one by the med school. Now I just go to the one near my townhouse.

There are no such things as red lights; only yellow and green. Yellow means green and green means sit there like a dumbass, not moving, and continue your unimportant, ghetto-ass conversation.

Greenville Boulevard:
It’s like I-40. Just with stoplights every 500 feet.

The Dress Code:
If you’re slim, wear a shirt that covers your waistband. If you’re average, wear a shirt that goes to your waistband. If you’re chunky, wear a shirt that stops 2” above your waistband. If you’re actually fat, just wear a sports bra…b/c it covers about the same amount of rolls as the shirts down here do.

People actually call it “G-Vegas”. Seriously. And they think it’s cute.

The wind:
No kidding, the wind down here blows 99% of the time…but only if the temperature is below 70 degrees. Once it heats up, it’s hot, humid, dead air. But as long as it’s cold you can be guaranteed that the wind is going to GUST in the opposite direction you are trying to go. And if you change directions, the wind will gust in a different direction just to screw with you.

Turn lanes:
In addition to the idiots that are confused about red light/green light, there are the ones that are unclear about what a center turn lane is for. It’s for turning. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s there so you can move OUT of traffic and wait to turn without holding up traffic. Not here. Here, if someone wants to turn left on a 5 lane road (2 lanes each side + a turn lane), they slam on the brakes in one of the main lanes and then turn left ACROSS the turn lane and the 2 lanes going the opposite direction. Who would do that? I’d say at least 50% of the residents in Greenville.

Greenville has issues with flooding when it rains b/c whoever dug the storm drains and sewers forgot to make them able to actually drain. If it rains for more than 5 minutes, all major streets in Greenville turn into small ponds, and being that it is filled with WONDERFUL drivers, well, there’s a lot of accidents during an afternoon shower. Walking through Greenville in the rain and walking in a creek is about the same thing.

Fast food:
Greenville has more fast food restaurants per capita than any other place in NC. Fact. Obesity is also the number one problem that the hospitals down here deal with. Fact. PCMH has been named a bariatric surgery center of excellence…b/c they do a lot of gastric surgeries on the obese. Fact. If you eat McDonald’s every day, you have a good chance of ending up in the hospital with an obesity-related disease. Fact. Keep eating burgers and fries people b/c it guarantees I’ll have a job when I’m done with school.

Thug teenagers:
My neighborhood has an over-abundance of thug teenagers. The ones that get off the bus in their saggy ass drawers and wife beaters and proceed to stand in the parking lot for 4 hours and attempt to rap while smoking joints and yelling lewd comments at white girls (ie me) about their various body parts. What they need to do is take their ghetto-butts home and do some homework so they don’t end up in jail with the other 30% of Greenville’s population (and yes, the teenagers are white and black).

I'm sure the list could go on for a while but I need to study.


  1. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I love you :)

  2. Well you made MY day better!
    I love the way you think, Alice.
    Hope tomorrow's a better day

  3. I could have told you about the rain. It also rains more in G/ville than anywhere else in the state. The rest .. um ... I probably forgot. It's been a long time since I was there.
    I love your sense of humor (even if you didn't mean it to be humorous!)


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